Sweet Slumber

I have spent the last few years striving. To even say the last few years is an understatement. I should more accurately say the last 29 years, my whole life, striving. The more recent goals have been an indefinite attempt to be a patient and devoted mother, an enriching and life changing teacher, a loving and fun wife, and then of course, the ever elusive status of being a faithful and wise Christian. Striving, striving, striving....through high school to graduate early and beat it out of my parent's house the instant I turned 18 (actually 3 days later), 11 years of college trying to find my calling in the world, 8 years of a relationship with a sometimes exhaustively challenging partner, 6 years of motherhood that has been a whirlwind of extreme highs and extreme lows and 5 years of an indescribable at times yearning to be closer to God and then inevitably pushing Him away in spite of myself. I. Am. Tired.

The real push off the rocker for me came in December when I had nothing short of a complete nervous break down. Even during the height of restlessness and unbearable anxiety, I was in denial that it was anything I couldn't handle. Why would it be when it fact I had been just as stressed in other situations and been just fine. The fact that my husband was gone 4.5 days of the week and I was working full time during my first year of teaching didn't help. While I thought of every other possibility and found every other logical reasoning for an insomnia that would taunt me at night for 5 months straight, I continued to deny it had anymore depth to it then something completely explainable and surface level. Doctors confirmed that I was fine. Specialists confirmed that I was fine. Yet I was not fine. The ONLY option I did not indulge trying was taking anti depressants, which looking back now, there was a time when they would have been helpful. Times when I couldn't get off the floor to save my life. Times when I went weeks without cooking or cleaning because I simply had no desire to do anything or make anything better than it was. I was so exhausted from going at times SIX nights without any sleep that I was functioning on survival mode and I was pissed about it. I was doing everything "right" in my mind that a faithful Christian would do. I was praying-check, I was reading my Bible-check, I was asking others for prayer and reaching out (even though it was terribly difficult for me to admit I was struggling)-check, I was staying away from TV and computers before bed-check, I was not getting drunk at night to sleep-check, I was limiting the amount of meds I was taking (in fear of accidentally killing myself)-check, I was crying out to God and waiting patiently for His healing-check. Still to no avail. So I started journaling, taking prescription sleeping meds, relaxation techniques before bed, researching insomnia, trying to sleep in different rooms...you name it, I did it. I would take heavy duty prescribtion meds and sometimes still NOT SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. It was miserable and yet I saved face and refused to give in to complete defeat.

I began to make myself crawl out of the lonely and anxious times and begged God to take the guilt and misery from me. Eventually, like a rain cloud, the anxiety lifted and I was free! Although the insomnia stayed and along with all the unanswered questions, like a dust storm kicked up in a field, swirled around me still daily. My thoughts were not my friends. They hated me and I hated them. They are so bothersome and I wonder if I'm going crazy. Was this all a trial, a God thing to make me stop and analyze the hurts I still carry, the scars that I should be doing something to heal? What does God want from me and why can't I get it right? Again, the faithful and wise Christian thing there to bite me in the butt. It was non stop guilt. Something was not right, many things actually, and I wasn't figuring it out but found myself more confused then ever, even with the daily anxiety gone for the most part. I picked apart past relationships, hang-ups I was carrying, the day-to-day activities I was partaking in (which were none, so that part was easy), and tried to find a pattern, rhyme or reason...even as OCD as I am, I couldn't find a pattern to what I was now sure was some kind of madness.

I would just start to think that I had something figured out and I was all ready to make a strategy plan, commit and then sort it through like a big load of laundry until it was all nice and neat and I could visually make sense of what was in front of me. Of course this never happened only adding to my feelings of incompetency. I reached to every possible outlet of understanding what was happening to me and why I was having these feelings. Okay, obviously this is a God thing and there is a reason I am experiencing this storm. Okay. Now what is God telling you and what do we do next? No answer. "Hmm, hmmmm....Lord, it is I, your loving daughter, who is faithfully awaiting peace and rest. Perhaps You have forgotten to leave me a key to this hell hole You've left me in and now may be a good time to shed a little light in here for me. Thanks!" I refused against all temptation to curse God or even let myself feel too sorry for myself for what I felt was too long of a pity party. Which never ended because of the viscous cycle of guilt for feeling sorry for myself in the first place and not awaiting God's word like a devoted monk that feels no apprehension for the future. After all...I have so much to thankful for that my own self pity disgusted me and seemed the ultimate disregard to all that God has done in my life. I would get so annoyed with myself. Again these cycles....guilt, shame, mad, sad, guilt, shame, mad, sad, strength for a moment, mad, sad, guilt, shame...something like this.

Finally a break in the wall peered through. Although I knew that God's presence was with me, I never felt forsaken or alone, I was hurt that I was crying out with a faith that even surprised me that it was coming genuinely and purely from my heart, and He was not healing me of whatever "this" was. I cried one night in admitted dissapointment as if I was a little girl who dressed for the father-daughter ball knowing that he may not show, but believed whole-heartedly that he would, and then He didn't. They weren't angry tears, just tears. Tears that said "Father, I am sad. Father, I adore You and You've hurt my feelings. I want to understand. I want so desperately to sleep. I want to be who You made me to be and can't You see that I can't do it without the kind of peace that only comes from You." I slept that night.

I was reading Job and I admit that I impressed myself with the faith that came as if it'd always been there, right out of my own mouth and mind, reassuring myself that God was going to pull through and while I may not have the answers, it's okay, He does. I felt like Job in many ways and was determined to hold strong. 'I will never turn away from You' I repeated over and over again. I said it in the dead of night to let the enemy know this cold hard fact as well. 'I will never turn away from You.' I think now that I was convincing myself. God saw my heart and it was true in the love I have for Him. Things began to turn. After all, had I not prayed for God to draw me closer to Him? Had I not prayed to feel His presence with a hunger that only comes from the deepest parts of your soul? Here He was answering my prayers but unorthodox from what I expected, and it was turning my world upside down in ways that were anything but comfortable. He came to me many times during this sleeplessness, sadness, loneliness "thing". He was right there with me, holding me. Touching me in a way that was so comforting that I would weep at night in His presence. I never doubted He was in the pit with me but I also never doubted it was exactly where He wanted me.

I spent so much time trying to do the Christian thing right. Trying to be the best mommy and the most inspirational teacher...I mean I wanted fireworks! I want so badly still, to be the kind of person that leaves an impact in the world. To be the kind of person who is affirmed by the world is really what is boils down to. That my kids will say 'wow, mommy you will always be my number one and I hope that one day I can do these things with my own kids', and my students will say 'Mrs. Percival, you made a difference in my life and now I am going to make a difference in other's', and my husband will say 'Honey, you are still the love of my life...light-hearted and beautiful and everything that makes me content and happy in the world'. And on that day that Jesus returns, should my Savior say to me 'You did good, kiddo.' Oh how I want so badly to hear those words!! So badly that I want to hear them from anyone! Isn't that ridiculous!?! I want to be a good friend, sister, mother, daughter, teacher, wife and then again, Christian. I am leaning towards dropping that title 'Christian' altogether. I believe Jesus is the way and the light, He is for me and so many more that I know and admire, but I can't wear that title anymore. It is too much for me. In my efforts to strive to be all of these things I let growing close to God be one more way to measure myself. He is not measuring me. He does not track my church attendance, my tithings, or my good deeds. He loves me as I am. He does not keep a record of how many times I curse during the week, raise my voice to my students or glasses of wine I drink. He not only loves me as I am....He created me as I am!!! Strengths and weaknesses! I was created with a purpose and instead of feeling guilty over who I am, a constant reminder of failure, I should rejoice in the quirkiness He has gifted me with because there is a purpose in the world for me and it doesn't include any titles! He wants only for me to draw close to Him. While I find church moving and a way to challenge my ways of thinking and deepen my relationship with the One and Only, I didn't find Him in a church for the first time. He was out in the rain, riding my horse with me....galloping with no hands. It was amazing.

My God has been everywhere, because He is everything. I can worship Him on a sandy shore or by looking into eyes of my child and feeling a fraction of the love He feels for us. Living my life happily, at peace with myself and in pursuit of ONLY Him, is honoring the Lord. I must make this decision daily, to pursue only God and nothing else. I am Yours and You are mine. He is smiling at me while I type because it was right in front of me the whole time. I just didn't get it. I get it now, Jesus. Thank you.

I am sleeping now at night by the way.