I have empty hands. Right now and for awhile now. What I mean is that I don't have anything to offer anyone. I can take care of my kids, myself and my husband and that is it. This bothers me. I am a mender, a healer and fixer by nature and to be incapactiated to take care of anyone else or anything else is crippling to my spirit.
I keep looking as to how I got here. Where were the happy moments and why didn't they last? Then I start the guilt cycle...how selfish and ungrateful I am! Between the questions and the guilt I linger in a numbness that is neither sad nor happy, just stillness. I went from crawling through one dreadful valley of insomnia, to a sweet plateau, and then back into a valley. I saw it coming and tried back pedaling. I pleaded, I cried, I prayed and begged. I didn't want to go back nor forward but just stay where I was; happy to be home with my children playing for the whole summer. But that is not life. I wish sometimes to be in a little bubble that is safe from all of the variables that brush against us and into us and push us over.
I have nowhere to go but to God with my empty hands. I cry to Him that my feelings have been hurt. I don't want to be where I am and yet I remain. So be it. I have to keep telling myself that I have a mustard seed worth of faith! I have a mustard seed....I have a mustard seed....I have a mustard seed. I cling to verses like breath and I lean on my family with a heavy heart and weak knees. I turn my empty hands upward and claim what I know. God is good and God is faithful and He will finish all of His works. He is working right now and it is painful.
I write with skepticism and unease since these are my truest feelings and I am blogging on a website. I can only pray that should there be readers actually out there, that my heart's rawness is a source of encouragement in some way. I have no idea what the future holds or how everything will play out, but I do know that with empty hands we can reach for Jesus and He will hold them and walk us through whatever we're going through.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Take me into the beautiful...
I have this deep desire to meditate in prayer beyond the limitations of our earthly understandings. Not that I necessarily want to have answers to long questioned mysteries of life or that I want to see into my future, or anything. I just want to be with God. I want to know His presence, to feel His presence. I have felt this before and I could stay there, dwelling in His shadows, forever. One day we will! This excites me. When I told a friend once about my deep desire to feel the Holy Spirit all the time, she reminded me that if feeling God's presence was a daily occurence that we wouldn't want much to do with our families or earthly responsibilities. I suppose this is true. Still I yearn for Him. That indescribable peace, the lifting of our spirits above the chaos of this earth. Where we dance like we are walking on air, moving for the sheer joy of being one of God's children....free!
I crouch in my family room behind the computer chair where I can blast my laptop and read. Pathetic sight, I know, and I'm not even really reading. I'm holding the book open but I am overcome with emotion, not tears, but emotion, and the dizzy feelings in my head have blurred my vision. There is a smile on my face and I want to jump up and run through rivers and feel the earth between my fingertips. I want to go to the beautiful. Come and take me away.
I want to reach that utopia, the garden of Eden, the presence of the Holy Spirit, an escape to somewhere where I can feel the most beautiful thing in the world...pure love.
For now its quiet time in the family room. But at least I'm smiling.
I crouch in my family room behind the computer chair where I can blast my laptop and read. Pathetic sight, I know, and I'm not even really reading. I'm holding the book open but I am overcome with emotion, not tears, but emotion, and the dizzy feelings in my head have blurred my vision. There is a smile on my face and I want to jump up and run through rivers and feel the earth between my fingertips. I want to go to the beautiful. Come and take me away.
I want to reach that utopia, the garden of Eden, the presence of the Holy Spirit, an escape to somewhere where I can feel the most beautiful thing in the world...pure love.
For now its quiet time in the family room. But at least I'm smiling.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sweet Slumber
I have spent the last few years striving. To even say the last few years is an understatement. I should more accurately say the last 29 years, my whole life, striving. The more recent goals have been an indefinite attempt to be a patient and devoted mother, an enriching and life changing teacher, a loving and fun wife, and then of course, the ever elusive status of being a faithful and wise Christian. Striving, striving, striving....through high school to graduate early and beat it out of my parent's house the instant I turned 18 (actually 3 days later), 11 years of college trying to find my calling in the world, 8 years of a relationship with a sometimes exhaustively challenging partner, 6 years of motherhood that has been a whirlwind of extreme highs and extreme lows and 5 years of an indescribable at times yearning to be closer to God and then inevitably pushing Him away in spite of myself. I. Am. Tired.
The real push off the rocker for me came in December when I had nothing short of a complete nervous break down. Even during the height of restlessness and unbearable anxiety, I was in denial that it was anything I couldn't handle. Why would it be when it fact I had been just as stressed in other situations and been just fine. The fact that my husband was gone 4.5 days of the week and I was working full time during my first year of teaching didn't help. While I thought of every other possibility and found every other logical reasoning for an insomnia that would taunt me at night for 5 months straight, I continued to deny it had anymore depth to it then something completely explainable and surface level. Doctors confirmed that I was fine. Specialists confirmed that I was fine. Yet I was not fine. The ONLY option I did not indulge trying was taking anti depressants, which looking back now, there was a time when they would have been helpful. Times when I couldn't get off the floor to save my life. Times when I went weeks without cooking or cleaning because I simply had no desire to do anything or make anything better than it was. I was so exhausted from going at times SIX nights without any sleep that I was functioning on survival mode and I was pissed about it. I was doing everything "right" in my mind that a faithful Christian would do. I was praying-check, I was reading my Bible-check, I was asking others for prayer and reaching out (even though it was terribly difficult for me to admit I was struggling)-check, I was staying away from TV and computers before bed-check, I was not getting drunk at night to sleep-check, I was limiting the amount of meds I was taking (in fear of accidentally killing myself)-check, I was crying out to God and waiting patiently for His healing-check. Still to no avail. So I started journaling, taking prescription sleeping meds, relaxation techniques before bed, researching insomnia, trying to sleep in different rooms...you name it, I did it. I would take heavy duty prescribtion meds and sometimes still NOT SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. It was miserable and yet I saved face and refused to give in to complete defeat.
I began to make myself crawl out of the lonely and anxious times and begged God to take the guilt and misery from me. Eventually, like a rain cloud, the anxiety lifted and I was free! Although the insomnia stayed and along with all the unanswered questions, like a dust storm kicked up in a field, swirled around me still daily. My thoughts were not my friends. They hated me and I hated them. They are so bothersome and I wonder if I'm going crazy. Was this all a trial, a God thing to make me stop and analyze the hurts I still carry, the scars that I should be doing something to heal? What does God want from me and why can't I get it right? Again, the faithful and wise Christian thing there to bite me in the butt. It was non stop guilt. Something was not right, many things actually, and I wasn't figuring it out but found myself more confused then ever, even with the daily anxiety gone for the most part. I picked apart past relationships, hang-ups I was carrying, the day-to-day activities I was partaking in (which were none, so that part was easy), and tried to find a pattern, rhyme or reason...even as OCD as I am, I couldn't find a pattern to what I was now sure was some kind of madness.
I would just start to think that I had something figured out and I was all ready to make a strategy plan, commit and then sort it through like a big load of laundry until it was all nice and neat and I could visually make sense of what was in front of me. Of course this never happened only adding to my feelings of incompetency. I reached to every possible outlet of understanding what was happening to me and why I was having these feelings. Okay, obviously this is a God thing and there is a reason I am experiencing this storm. Okay. Now what is God telling you and what do we do next? No answer. "Hmm, hmmmm....Lord, it is I, your loving daughter, who is faithfully awaiting peace and rest. Perhaps You have forgotten to leave me a key to this hell hole You've left me in and now may be a good time to shed a little light in here for me. Thanks!" I refused against all temptation to curse God or even let myself feel too sorry for myself for what I felt was too long of a pity party. Which never ended because of the viscous cycle of guilt for feeling sorry for myself in the first place and not awaiting God's word like a devoted monk that feels no apprehension for the future. After all...I have so much to thankful for that my own self pity disgusted me and seemed the ultimate disregard to all that God has done in my life. I would get so annoyed with myself. Again these cycles....guilt, shame, mad, sad, guilt, shame, mad, sad, strength for a moment, mad, sad, guilt, shame...something like this.
Finally a break in the wall peered through. Although I knew that God's presence was with me, I never felt forsaken or alone, I was hurt that I was crying out with a faith that even surprised me that it was coming genuinely and purely from my heart, and He was not healing me of whatever "this" was. I cried one night in admitted dissapointment as if I was a little girl who dressed for the father-daughter ball knowing that he may not show, but believed whole-heartedly that he would, and then He didn't. They weren't angry tears, just tears. Tears that said "Father, I am sad. Father, I adore You and You've hurt my feelings. I want to understand. I want so desperately to sleep. I want to be who You made me to be and can't You see that I can't do it without the kind of peace that only comes from You." I slept that night.
I was reading Job and I admit that I impressed myself with the faith that came as if it'd always been there, right out of my own mouth and mind, reassuring myself that God was going to pull through and while I may not have the answers, it's okay, He does. I felt like Job in many ways and was determined to hold strong. 'I will never turn away from You' I repeated over and over again. I said it in the dead of night to let the enemy know this cold hard fact as well. 'I will never turn away from You.' I think now that I was convincing myself. God saw my heart and it was true in the love I have for Him. Things began to turn. After all, had I not prayed for God to draw me closer to Him? Had I not prayed to feel His presence with a hunger that only comes from the deepest parts of your soul? Here He was answering my prayers but unorthodox from what I expected, and it was turning my world upside down in ways that were anything but comfortable. He came to me many times during this sleeplessness, sadness, loneliness "thing". He was right there with me, holding me. Touching me in a way that was so comforting that I would weep at night in His presence. I never doubted He was in the pit with me but I also never doubted it was exactly where He wanted me.
I spent so much time trying to do the Christian thing right. Trying to be the best mommy and the most inspirational teacher...I mean I wanted fireworks! I want so badly still, to be the kind of person that leaves an impact in the world. To be the kind of person who is affirmed by the world is really what is boils down to. That my kids will say 'wow, mommy you will always be my number one and I hope that one day I can do these things with my own kids', and my students will say 'Mrs. Percival, you made a difference in my life and now I am going to make a difference in other's', and my husband will say 'Honey, you are still the love of my life...light-hearted and beautiful and everything that makes me content and happy in the world'. And on that day that Jesus returns, should my Savior say to me 'You did good, kiddo.' Oh how I want so badly to hear those words!! So badly that I want to hear them from anyone! Isn't that ridiculous!?! I want to be a good friend, sister, mother, daughter, teacher, wife and then again, Christian. I am leaning towards dropping that title 'Christian' altogether. I believe Jesus is the way and the light, He is for me and so many more that I know and admire, but I can't wear that title anymore. It is too much for me. In my efforts to strive to be all of these things I let growing close to God be one more way to measure myself. He is not measuring me. He does not track my church attendance, my tithings, or my good deeds. He loves me as I am. He does not keep a record of how many times I curse during the week, raise my voice to my students or glasses of wine I drink. He not only loves me as I am....He created me as I am!!! Strengths and weaknesses! I was created with a purpose and instead of feeling guilty over who I am, a constant reminder of failure, I should rejoice in the quirkiness He has gifted me with because there is a purpose in the world for me and it doesn't include any titles! He wants only for me to draw close to Him. While I find church moving and a way to challenge my ways of thinking and deepen my relationship with the One and Only, I didn't find Him in a church for the first time. He was out in the rain, riding my horse with me....galloping with no hands. It was amazing.
My God has been everywhere, because He is everything. I can worship Him on a sandy shore or by looking into eyes of my child and feeling a fraction of the love He feels for us. Living my life happily, at peace with myself and in pursuit of ONLY Him, is honoring the Lord. I must make this decision daily, to pursue only God and nothing else. I am Yours and You are mine. He is smiling at me while I type because it was right in front of me the whole time. I just didn't get it. I get it now, Jesus. Thank you.
I am sleeping now at night by the way.
The real push off the rocker for me came in December when I had nothing short of a complete nervous break down. Even during the height of restlessness and unbearable anxiety, I was in denial that it was anything I couldn't handle. Why would it be when it fact I had been just as stressed in other situations and been just fine. The fact that my husband was gone 4.5 days of the week and I was working full time during my first year of teaching didn't help. While I thought of every other possibility and found every other logical reasoning for an insomnia that would taunt me at night for 5 months straight, I continued to deny it had anymore depth to it then something completely explainable and surface level. Doctors confirmed that I was fine. Specialists confirmed that I was fine. Yet I was not fine. The ONLY option I did not indulge trying was taking anti depressants, which looking back now, there was a time when they would have been helpful. Times when I couldn't get off the floor to save my life. Times when I went weeks without cooking or cleaning because I simply had no desire to do anything or make anything better than it was. I was so exhausted from going at times SIX nights without any sleep that I was functioning on survival mode and I was pissed about it. I was doing everything "right" in my mind that a faithful Christian would do. I was praying-check, I was reading my Bible-check, I was asking others for prayer and reaching out (even though it was terribly difficult for me to admit I was struggling)-check, I was staying away from TV and computers before bed-check, I was not getting drunk at night to sleep-check, I was limiting the amount of meds I was taking (in fear of accidentally killing myself)-check, I was crying out to God and waiting patiently for His healing-check. Still to no avail. So I started journaling, taking prescription sleeping meds, relaxation techniques before bed, researching insomnia, trying to sleep in different rooms...you name it, I did it. I would take heavy duty prescribtion meds and sometimes still NOT SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. It was miserable and yet I saved face and refused to give in to complete defeat.
I began to make myself crawl out of the lonely and anxious times and begged God to take the guilt and misery from me. Eventually, like a rain cloud, the anxiety lifted and I was free! Although the insomnia stayed and along with all the unanswered questions, like a dust storm kicked up in a field, swirled around me still daily. My thoughts were not my friends. They hated me and I hated them. They are so bothersome and I wonder if I'm going crazy. Was this all a trial, a God thing to make me stop and analyze the hurts I still carry, the scars that I should be doing something to heal? What does God want from me and why can't I get it right? Again, the faithful and wise Christian thing there to bite me in the butt. It was non stop guilt. Something was not right, many things actually, and I wasn't figuring it out but found myself more confused then ever, even with the daily anxiety gone for the most part. I picked apart past relationships, hang-ups I was carrying, the day-to-day activities I was partaking in (which were none, so that part was easy), and tried to find a pattern, rhyme or reason...even as OCD as I am, I couldn't find a pattern to what I was now sure was some kind of madness.
I would just start to think that I had something figured out and I was all ready to make a strategy plan, commit and then sort it through like a big load of laundry until it was all nice and neat and I could visually make sense of what was in front of me. Of course this never happened only adding to my feelings of incompetency. I reached to every possible outlet of understanding what was happening to me and why I was having these feelings. Okay, obviously this is a God thing and there is a reason I am experiencing this storm. Okay. Now what is God telling you and what do we do next? No answer. "Hmm, hmmmm....Lord, it is I, your loving daughter, who is faithfully awaiting peace and rest. Perhaps You have forgotten to leave me a key to this hell hole You've left me in and now may be a good time to shed a little light in here for me. Thanks!" I refused against all temptation to curse God or even let myself feel too sorry for myself for what I felt was too long of a pity party. Which never ended because of the viscous cycle of guilt for feeling sorry for myself in the first place and not awaiting God's word like a devoted monk that feels no apprehension for the future. After all...I have so much to thankful for that my own self pity disgusted me and seemed the ultimate disregard to all that God has done in my life. I would get so annoyed with myself. Again these cycles....guilt, shame, mad, sad, guilt, shame, mad, sad, strength for a moment, mad, sad, guilt, shame...something like this.
Finally a break in the wall peered through. Although I knew that God's presence was with me, I never felt forsaken or alone, I was hurt that I was crying out with a faith that even surprised me that it was coming genuinely and purely from my heart, and He was not healing me of whatever "this" was. I cried one night in admitted dissapointment as if I was a little girl who dressed for the father-daughter ball knowing that he may not show, but believed whole-heartedly that he would, and then He didn't. They weren't angry tears, just tears. Tears that said "Father, I am sad. Father, I adore You and You've hurt my feelings. I want to understand. I want so desperately to sleep. I want to be who You made me to be and can't You see that I can't do it without the kind of peace that only comes from You." I slept that night.
I was reading Job and I admit that I impressed myself with the faith that came as if it'd always been there, right out of my own mouth and mind, reassuring myself that God was going to pull through and while I may not have the answers, it's okay, He does. I felt like Job in many ways and was determined to hold strong. 'I will never turn away from You' I repeated over and over again. I said it in the dead of night to let the enemy know this cold hard fact as well. 'I will never turn away from You.' I think now that I was convincing myself. God saw my heart and it was true in the love I have for Him. Things began to turn. After all, had I not prayed for God to draw me closer to Him? Had I not prayed to feel His presence with a hunger that only comes from the deepest parts of your soul? Here He was answering my prayers but unorthodox from what I expected, and it was turning my world upside down in ways that were anything but comfortable. He came to me many times during this sleeplessness, sadness, loneliness "thing". He was right there with me, holding me. Touching me in a way that was so comforting that I would weep at night in His presence. I never doubted He was in the pit with me but I also never doubted it was exactly where He wanted me.
I spent so much time trying to do the Christian thing right. Trying to be the best mommy and the most inspirational teacher...I mean I wanted fireworks! I want so badly still, to be the kind of person that leaves an impact in the world. To be the kind of person who is affirmed by the world is really what is boils down to. That my kids will say 'wow, mommy you will always be my number one and I hope that one day I can do these things with my own kids', and my students will say 'Mrs. Percival, you made a difference in my life and now I am going to make a difference in other's', and my husband will say 'Honey, you are still the love of my life...light-hearted and beautiful and everything that makes me content and happy in the world'. And on that day that Jesus returns, should my Savior say to me 'You did good, kiddo.' Oh how I want so badly to hear those words!! So badly that I want to hear them from anyone! Isn't that ridiculous!?! I want to be a good friend, sister, mother, daughter, teacher, wife and then again, Christian. I am leaning towards dropping that title 'Christian' altogether. I believe Jesus is the way and the light, He is for me and so many more that I know and admire, but I can't wear that title anymore. It is too much for me. In my efforts to strive to be all of these things I let growing close to God be one more way to measure myself. He is not measuring me. He does not track my church attendance, my tithings, or my good deeds. He loves me as I am. He does not keep a record of how many times I curse during the week, raise my voice to my students or glasses of wine I drink. He not only loves me as I am....He created me as I am!!! Strengths and weaknesses! I was created with a purpose and instead of feeling guilty over who I am, a constant reminder of failure, I should rejoice in the quirkiness He has gifted me with because there is a purpose in the world for me and it doesn't include any titles! He wants only for me to draw close to Him. While I find church moving and a way to challenge my ways of thinking and deepen my relationship with the One and Only, I didn't find Him in a church for the first time. He was out in the rain, riding my horse with me....galloping with no hands. It was amazing.
My God has been everywhere, because He is everything. I can worship Him on a sandy shore or by looking into eyes of my child and feeling a fraction of the love He feels for us. Living my life happily, at peace with myself and in pursuit of ONLY Him, is honoring the Lord. I must make this decision daily, to pursue only God and nothing else. I am Yours and You are mine. He is smiling at me while I type because it was right in front of me the whole time. I just didn't get it. I get it now, Jesus. Thank you.
I am sleeping now at night by the way.
Monday, April 4, 2011
It is time!
After much prompting by the Holy Spirit, and equally disputing on my part, I am going to attempt the commitment of waking up (incredibly) early weekday mornings. Early like 4:30 -5:00 am, early. I'm not sleeping anyway so I may as well be up. My argument has always been that I REALLY want to be sleeping and perhaps that extra hour and a half lying my head on my pillow will somehow make a difference in my day. In the five months that I've had insomnia, it hasn't made a difference. God wins. I'll start getting up early.
My time in the wee hours before the little ones are up and before I need to get ready for work is going to be time to focus on self discipline. I want to read, exercise and pray. I have hidden the scale, taken down the bikini I had hanging in the bedroom to remind (taunt) me of my goals. A bikini I won't wear anywhere in public anyways, for the sheer fact that I am mom and I am choosing to rebel against the bikini revolution and join my fellow tankini friends! I am on a journey of self discipline to bring me closer to God and I have a feeling that all of my other issues will subside in the process.
Today is day one and when I feel ever so inclined, I'll update my blog so I can look back and see how much I've grown with God's grace!
My time in the wee hours before the little ones are up and before I need to get ready for work is going to be time to focus on self discipline. I want to read, exercise and pray. I have hidden the scale, taken down the bikini I had hanging in the bedroom to remind (taunt) me of my goals. A bikini I won't wear anywhere in public anyways, for the sheer fact that I am mom and I am choosing to rebel against the bikini revolution and join my fellow tankini friends! I am on a journey of self discipline to bring me closer to God and I have a feeling that all of my other issues will subside in the process.
Today is day one and when I feel ever so inclined, I'll update my blog so I can look back and see how much I've grown with God's grace!
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