I have empty hands. Right now and for awhile now. What I mean is that I don't have anything to offer anyone. I can take care of my kids, myself and my husband and that is it. This bothers me. I am a mender, a healer and fixer by nature and to be incapactiated to take care of anyone else or anything else is crippling to my spirit.
I keep looking as to how I got here. Where were the happy moments and why didn't they last? Then I start the guilt cycle...how selfish and ungrateful I am! Between the questions and the guilt I linger in a numbness that is neither sad nor happy, just stillness. I went from crawling through one dreadful valley of insomnia, to a sweet plateau, and then back into a valley. I saw it coming and tried back pedaling. I pleaded, I cried, I prayed and begged. I didn't want to go back nor forward but just stay where I was; happy to be home with my children playing for the whole summer. But that is not life. I wish sometimes to be in a little bubble that is safe from all of the variables that brush against us and into us and push us over.
I have nowhere to go but to God with my empty hands. I cry to Him that my feelings have been hurt. I don't want to be where I am and yet I remain. So be it. I have to keep telling myself that I have a mustard seed worth of faith! I have a mustard seed....I have a mustard seed....I have a mustard seed. I cling to verses like breath and I lean on my family with a heavy heart and weak knees. I turn my empty hands upward and claim what I know. God is good and God is faithful and He will finish all of His works. He is working right now and it is painful.
I write with skepticism and unease since these are my truest feelings and I am blogging on a website. I can only pray that should there be readers actually out there, that my heart's rawness is a source of encouragement in some way. I have no idea what the future holds or how everything will play out, but I do know that with empty hands we can reach for Jesus and He will hold them and walk us through whatever we're going through.
